Oh, right.

Congratulations, Yankees. You won the World Series after spending $423.5 million on free agents and building a ballpark I could hit a homer out of in ONE offseason. You tipped the scales in your favor so egregiously, it’s comparable to when I take advantage and trade for the top 10 draft picks in Madden every season in franchise mode and turn off the salary cap. It’s akin to challenging Helen Keller to a game of hide & seek. When you have all the advantages, how is anyone else supposed to compete?

Yeah, it’s technically legal, what they did. But how is this good for the average fan? OF COURSE you’re going to be unstoppable, when you buy All-Stars for every position and starting pitcher. You should demolish the rest of the league when you exploit the (badly-in-need-of-revision) rules. For that amount of cash, you should have won 130 games and handed out “one free make-out session” gift certificates from Minka Kelly to every one of your “fans”.

Yes, I’m a Red Sox fan at heart, and I hate the Yankees. Yes, I’m probably just bitterly griping and cranky, but tell me again: how does anyone consider baseball fair anymore?

Whatever, dude. I’m over it. I’m in full-basketball mode already anyway.



…but this is taking it a little far. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love me some of all of the GG gals, but you’ve got to give some extra props to Betty White for getting out there and still being funny lately.  She was the best part of that awful Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds movie The Proposal and she popped up on 30 Rock this week. And we’re all familiar with her work as Rose on the Golden Girls (unless you’re not, and then we can’t be friends; sorry, loser!). But while I consider Golden Girls to to be one of the best TV shows of all time, somebody else has trumped me with their crazy-ass fandom for the show. You ready to see the scariest/most awesome tattoo ever?

   

Jeez, dude.

This shot is worth $55 million, right?

Ok, I know that sounds kind of dirty, but honestly, all Halle Berry sexythoughts aside, we (as Americans) have to get behind this thing. Hear me out.

If you don’t know what Taco Bell’s Black Jack Tacois yet, you’ve either not watched baseball for the last 2 months or haven’t been baked out of your gourd at 2am and within arm’s reach of your car keys. There’s been just an advertising onslaught for this diabolical southwestern fast-food creation going on for the last 6 weeks, especially on TBS, the home of the MLB playoffs. (You remember the unholy hell TBS put us Sox fans through in 2007 with the Frank TV spots, they were on every freakin’ 10 minutes, or whenever there was a break in action.) Here’s the spot:

 

Well, Phillies fans have suffered the same treatment, only this time, the commercial they’re cramming down everyone’s throat is for the Black Jack Taco (which looks like somebody just melted down a dirty ashtray, bent it, and filled it with Grade E ground beef and something called “Jack Sauce”, which in and of itself is rife with DISGUSTING connotations.)

Now, normally, I’d trust you to have the good sense to avoid the violent diarrhea, heartburn and instant regret that would come with eating such a vile concoction, but… it might just be the best shot we actual sports fans have at holding off the Yankeees and sparing us another year of hearing their idiot numbskull “fans” crow about yet another World Series Championship.  

You see, some Phillies fans have taken the Black Taco (which they’ve been beaten over the head with during every single playoff game this year) and made it their unofficial mascot of this year’s playoff run. Instead of groaning terribly after both watching a commercial for it and (God help them) eating one of these things, they’ve decided to embrace it, and it’s become an internet phenomenon of sorts. And the photoshops (as you can see, I’ve included some of my favorites) are TREMENDOUS.

So as the Phillies battle to stave off another year of Yankees fan’s gasbag braying, I say all of us Sox fans, and Anti-Spankees fans, get behind it. Whatever works, right? As long as A-Rod stays title-less, I’m happy. LET’S RIDE THE BLACK TACO, PEOPLE!

 

But dear Lord, please don’t go out and eat one of these things. No need to risk internal bleeding.

 (thanks to Urlesque for the tip, and Philebrity for the photoshops you can click on those links to get more info.)

 

THAT GUY - THE DUDE IN THE REALLY REALLY REALLY OFFENSIVE HALLOWEEN COSTUME

Well hey there, future victims of massive coronary failure. First up, big props to Mark from Watertown, who ruined his chance of hooking up with anybody else at the ZLX party, by dressing up in a That Guy-themed outfit, the only guy stupid enough to devote his costume to the seventh most popular bit we do here on the show. Kudos sir. So I hope everybody had fun at the Halloween party, it was fun to see and meet that many great listeners, even if we had to do it while tolerating our PD Mike Thomas’ taste in music. I’m just surprised he didn’t put Cottonmouth Joe on repeat all night.

The costume contests were good too, I was surprised how good some of the outfits were, and how creative some people got, until I spotted our That Guy , or in this week’s case: That Girl. You guys know who I’m talking about, and I’m not going to give creedence by mentioning what she dressed up as, but Wow, she was filled to the gills with bad idea syrup.

While I can appreciate the sheer insane amount of cojones it took to show up in that oiutfit, I still have to saddle you with the title this week That Guy with the really really really offensive Halloween Costume.

Look, I enjoy a risqué costume choice as much as the next guy, even though this past year provided more than ample opportunity and leeway to put a shameless twist on the typical zombie costume. You could be zombie Billy Mays, Zombie Bea Arthur, and of course, thriller-era Michael Jackson. I was even thinking of breaking out my old skeleton costume, throwing a tight black tee and jeans over it plus a mullet wig, and presto! Patrick Swayze! But I thought twice about it and talked myself out of it, because some people might have thought his cancer related death might have dampened the hilarity. It was on the line, and a pack of smokes tucked into the sleeve would’ve put it Stallone-style over the top, so I decided to go with a safer pick.

Granted, the cheerleading coach from Glee turned out to be a bad choice for a costume considering the only two questions I got all night were “Who the hell are you supposed to be?” followed quickly by “Do you have any idea how queer that is?” But there’s always SOMEBODY who goes too far, whether it’s the guy in the penis costume who decides to take it the extra step and strap red balloons all over his torso-slash-shaft, ask Pete what’s that about. Or there’s the guy who decides no one’s going to give a hoot if he wears the Hitler moutstache, or breaks out the martian mask with the sombrero and maracas, or anything so bigoted it’d make Limbaugh blush.

IT RAISES A LOT OF EYEBROWS AND QUESTIONS, like “Who thinks that’s a good idea?” and “Nobody told him that’s probably going to get him arrested for a hate crime?” or the favorite “Kevin’s not going commando under his Fred Flintstone costume, right?” Look, there’s a few things you shouldn’t do on Halloween, like mix vodka and fake blood, TP your boss’ house, or wear anything that rhymed with Slackface, Floo Flux Flan Floods, or Pleebus Ploo Plighst on the Ploss. That’s worse form than the dude who dishes out sweaty handfuls of candy corn, circus peanuts and religious pamphlets to trick-or-treaters.

Look, we all like to let loose on Halloween, When else are you going to see Bob the Builder grinding on the Tooth Fairy out on the dance floor, but there’s got to be a limit somewhere, and if you got to wonder whether anyone might object to your brilliant idea to go as a Blood soaked Jackie-O complete with brain matter splatter on your pink pillbox hat, you might want to rethink your ghoulish game plan. Otherwise, I’ll grab my skull candle and turn you into my own personal jacko-lantern, by cramming it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.     

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the Bash; again, Thanks to everybody who came out!